Monday, December 3, 2012

AMERICAN PATRIOT VELVET ART

Fuck Christmas! Yep, I said it. No disrespect to my Christian friends, but jeez, this is the  most bastardized, completely fucked in the ass and demonized by greed holiday in our day. God damned Christian stations have been playing the same, regurgitated Christmas music for two weeks now! I think it should be killed off and leave it to the Christians to celebrate the birth of their maker. Everything else should just be flushed down the toilet.

So, with that, I refuse to review ANY Christmas related item on this site. Instead, I bring to you American Patriot Paint It Yourself Velvet Art. Yeah, that whole thing is the name of this product.



This thing is either manufactured, exported, or supplied (or all three) by Mannix Co. Ltd, supposedly based out of NYC... but it's really a Hong Kong company. The NYC address on the package is 200 5th ave nyc 10010 but no such company exists here, or at least, none that I can tell. According to God Internet, the other companies at this location are Eataly, G2‎, GCI Health‎, L a Cafe‎, Laramie Corporation‎, Mantoa Industries‎, Ozen Sound Devices Inc‎, Stelber Cycle Corporation‎, Thinkway Toys‎, Watson Productions‎ and Wing Latino Group‎. So, yeah, no other hits online for Mannix Co. Ltd.

I specifically went into Dollar Tree today to grab a random item because I am trying to do one review per week and realized I hadn't done one this week. The odd thing about this product is that the packaging doesn't seem to belong in the Dollar Store... it's not consistent with their products. Even the products Greenbrier doesn't make still all have a sense of sameness in their packaging. This product, on the other hand, doesn't. The packaging looks very old, not only outdated, but aged. It looks like it was surplus from another, even less-fancy, dollar store somewhere in Bumsville, GA or something. In fact, the packaging is so crappy, the Dollar Tree is too good for it. I found it laying on a random shelf in a random aisle, and it was the only one in the whole store.



The "canvas" does actually feel velvety to the touch when you open it. I must admit that I was rather surprised at that for some reason. But the design is a masterpiece unto itself! Nothing says "Made in China" like a 'Murican flag.



So, I, excitedly and patriotically, set out to start my 'Murican flag velvet masterpiece. But, when I opened my awesome set of primary (to the computer, since it had green instead of yellow) colors I noticed that they're not exactly in liquid form.



Upon closer inspection I realized that the "acrylic colors" that came with my set have completely solidified into their contains. I try to dip my brush but the only thing that comes out is a large chunk of green solidified paint.



Which leads me to my next gripe, why the fuck would you include the color green to paint a velvet 'Murican flag??!?! Hey, Hong Kong, you don't even have green in your flag!

All in all, utter failure on this item since it can't be used as advertised. But, did I give up? NO! Because I've seen Galaxy Quest a million times and if I've learned one thing from Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart is to Never Give Up, Never Surrender. I grabbed my solidified globs of paint and my brush and made meself a crayon.



After a few seconds I finally had a masterpiece worthy of hanging in my office! And, best of all, since I couldn't use white, I ended up using the green color after all! Yay me






Score: Fuck that! This piece of crap is so bad, it doesn't even get a score!

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