I LOVE THE DOLLAR TREE

SEALIFE CREATURES

2011-09-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

The opening sentence for this entry has been written and re-written more times than in any other entry. One reason being the sheer pointlessness of the product I'm reviewing today, but even more so, for the two reasons I purchased this item.

Reason one: I've always heard that the best path to achieve the so-called American Dream is by starting your own business. I got that part down and did so with a couple of friends last year. Unfortunately, the business I chose is film making; not exactly a cash cow when you're shooting independent, no budget, self financed, arthouse film. Tiburon Rojo Films, which is the name of our company, means Red Shark in Spanish and it has been growing faster than I could have imagined. In my opinion the recognition has to do with some of the creative marketing/promotions tools we've used to plug the company around town.

Reason two: A friend of mine, and the latest member to join the Tiburon Rojo Films team, recently introduced me to GeoCaching. If you don't know what GeoCaching is I suggest that you give it a good read and maybe try it. It's really fun and gets you out and about to some areas of your town you would have otherwise not visited. Geocaching can be done alone, with your partner, a group of friends or your kids (If you have them).

So, what the hell did I buy and what the hell does the above reasons have to do with it? Well, I purchased three bags of little hard plastic toys called Sealife Creatures. I would give you more information on the product but that's pretty much all the generic label said.

WTF?
WTF? indeed...

Let me explain. In GeoCaching you find containers that... well, contain anything from a tiny log of visitors to a variety of objects known as SWAG. Cachers can either leave or trade SWAG when they find caches. By now you should be getting a broad idea of why I purchased such pointless product to begin with. I wanted to start leaving SWAG in all the caches I found while at the same time shamelessly plugging in Tiburon Rojo Films.

I went to the Dollar Tree by my job during lunch looking for toy sharks that I would then paint red (since finding red sharks is pretty unheard of). But my beloved Dollar Tree and it's Chinese cohorts surpassed every expectation I'd set for this expedition. Not only did they have little plastic toy sharks but they had RED little plastic toy sharks! How effin' convenient for me!

I purchased three bags and each with 3 sharks and 3 alligators (that were significantly larger than all the sharks) in a variety of colors. When I finally separated the animals, as much for promotional purposes as to avoid another Jaleel White monstrosity, I ended up with 6 red sharks, 2 blue sharks and a lonely purple shark.

Some of my sharks and alligators had some minor shoddy craftsmanship which I had to fix. Not a big deal if you're a poor kid and only got this bag of lead-laced crap for a gift, but pretty noticeable if you're a DIY company using it for promotional purposes.

Oddly enough, Orangelo, the orange alligator seemed to have grown a 5th leg due to radiation exposure... or maybe he was just happy to see me.

All I want to do with my red sharks is to drop them in some caches with a small QR code that will take other cachers to my company's website; and for that, they are excellent. The detail on the little sharks is pretty good given where they came from and that they truly fail miserably as an actual toy of any sort.

I cannot imagine why anybody would buy this for anything other than why I bought them. Again, as a toy they fail miserably. But if you are a small business owner who can use small, plastic, colorful, left-over alligators to promote your company, give me a holler, I have plenty. If you are a small child whose parents can't or won't buy you anything other than this pathetic excuse for a toy... my condolences.

Score:

MMH! NEW PLAYER IN TOWN

2010-02-02T14:34:00.005-05:00

So, as I drove to one of the 4 (yes, 4) Dollar Trees that are within a 5 mile radius of my house I noticed The Mighty Dollar. It seems the girls have gone there several times with my ex-wife and speak wonders of the new store. I was skeptical to visit as at the time I did not know anything about this company. My initial thought was that the Mighty Dollar was a mom & pop dollar store operation which in my experience usually feel like a family dropped a bunch of useless trinkets to be sold. Today I learned they're a regional company with an aggressive campaign to take the crown from the Dollar Tree.

They claim that they differentiate themselves by offering name brand products for only $1. They also claim they've sold merchandise with an original $100 price tag for $1. When I visited the store I saw nothing of the kind. It seemed like any other local dollar tree effort with a hell of a lot less variety than the Dollar Tree. The merchandise in most aisles is of the same quality as the Dollar Tree but quantities and variety are noticeably limited.

I seriously doubt they will create even the slightest dent on the Dollar Tree's throne but I will keep a close eye on their merchandise for comparison.

MAGIC GROW SAFARI ANIMALS

2010-01-30T14:41:00.005-05:00

Today, boys and girls, we are going to take a stroll down the completely useless and pointless lane. I've noticed that the Dollar Tree excels the pointless, useless and sometimes even "wtf?ish" type of toys arena. Today's entry, Magic Grow Safari Animals, qualifies for all three of these categories.

I usually go to the Dollar Tree once or twice a week with the girls. Unlike my days as a child when Dollar Stores did not exist, the girls usually walk away with a toy or some trinket during every visit. Fabianna usually goes for traditional girly stuff or stationary (notebooks, pens, erases, etc) but Larissa on the other hand usually goes for weirder things. Suffice it to say one time she bought a sunny side up egg toy set complete with a plastic "iron skillet". This time around she became incredibly excited at the fact that she could grow animals from the comfort of her own kitchen!

I've seen all sorts of grow-it-yourself shit that range from Spider-man towelettes to freakin' anonymous figurines no one has ever heard of. So growing sponge safari animals seemed innocent enough to purchase for her.

First off, this product was made in China seemingly by Ja-Ru Incorporated and, as per usual, distributed by the good peeps at Greenbrier. As with most companies dealing with the Dollar Tree I was unable to find Ja-Ru online. The only available information is that they're based in Jacksonville, FL and that "In November 2007, the Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization (ADAO), an organization comprised of asbestos victims and their families, found a variety of consumer products and popular toys contaminated by asbestos. JA-RU’s Toy Clay was among those toys." Fortunately, Larissa is comprised of 65% asbestos and 35% clay so I sensed no threat to her if our sponges had the same problem as Ja-Ru's clay.

According to the box, this 18 piece set allows you to grow the following animals:

Ostrich
Lion
Wildebeest
Cheetah
Rhino
Kudu (called an Antelope here)
Monkey
Hippo
Anteater
Elephant
Zebra (or horse if you've no imagination)
and Giraffe

Instructions were simple enough:

"1. Drop capsule in warm or hot water
2. Watch as it begins to change shape!
3. In a few minutes it will become an animal shape!"

Yet somehow, I still managed to fuck up the first batch by using cold water instead of warm or hot water; mostly due to the fact that I didn't read the instructions but only looked at the pictures which I understood to be:

1. Plankton lives naturally in water
2. Plankton owns a vibrator!
3. Giraffe is born!

We dropped the capsule in (erroneously) cold water and waited next to the glass of water in the same way you stand next to a microwave while it nukes your frozen dinner at work. After five completely uneventful minutes we only ended up with green fuzz enclosed in a thick layer of mucus-like film.

Twenty minutes later and still no change, so we decided to remove the thick mucus-like film to help speed up the process.

After a few more hours we gave up and we forgot about the whole incident for a few days. Some time later I randomly picked up the box with the rest of the unused capsules and re-read the instructions. Duh! I called Larissa over and we tried again with hot water. And as advertised on the box the foam began to expand in a couple of minutes.

Unfortunately, after about 10 minutes the sponges still did not resemble the form of any multicellular organism I know of. Instead, 4 amorphous globs of fuzz lay in the now cooled off water.

We waited another thirty minutes and finally gave up. We pulled the fuzzy globs out of the water and below are the "animals" we came up with.

After we laid out our animals Larissa's first question was, "so what do we do with them now? how do we play?" and well, I had no freakin' clue. I mean, how exactly do you entertain a 5 year old with a set of sponge animals from the Chernobyl zoo? So I told her she could wash the dishes with them... which she actually tried and found out the sponges weren't even good for that. She left a soapy mess in my kitchen and turned to her DS for solace.

All in all this was probably one of the worst and most pointless ways to burn a good dollar.

Score:

MISTER PLUMBER DRAIN OPENER

2009-11-24T08:58:00.003-05:00

I've always found it weird that most products sold in the Dollar Store (or any other value store) that are made by external companies (as opposed to some hellhole in China then imported by Greenbrier International, Inc.) have actually been around for several decades. It seems that the value stores have only been at full force for about twenty years. My assumption has always been that these seemingly lower quality products (and possibly the companies themselves) were a byproduct of value stores.

Ameriplus' is the only bio I've ever read while researching their Mister Plumber drain opener product. Ameriplus' has been around since '59 as Crest Chemical Corporation, and in the '90s they decided to expand new household products directly to supermarkets and other stores. If I recall correctly, not only were the '90s the launch pad for value stores but that's also when store-brand products were introduced. The only "store-brand" products I remember before supermarkets plastered their logo on them were the ones that came in all white containers with black letters on the front indicating what resided within. If you read the back for ingredients the label read, "Read the front!"

As I’ve reviewed products that actually have ingredients (excluding edible goods), I've noticed that most of the products are comparable in quality to their brand-name counterparts. This is the case with the ingeniously named “Mister Plumber”. Apartment living, especially in my community, comes with “amenities”. One such “amenity” is an easily clogged bathtub, which is exasperated by the fact that I have mid-back length hair and I shed like a fuckin' dog.

Because my bathtub would fill up to nearly overflowing when I showered, and draining took what seemed like hours, I ended up with nasty crust around the bed of the tub and hair all over the place.

Against Becky's advice I decided to try out Mister Plumber in an effort to update the blog and pretend that people actually read this crap. The bottle comes with 32 oz. of product and you must use half the bottle the first time and, depending on the severity of your mess, potentially repeat the process. So ultimately you will probably not get more than two uses per 32 oz. bottle which seems to be the standard size for name-brand products as well.

I've honestly never had to use liquid chemicals to clean a drain but the Dollar Tree came through again. I used the entire bottle but the drain was clean as a virgin's honeypot afterward. I took a shower and barely half an inch of water pooled near the drain.

I found and compared Mister Plumber's Material Safety Data Sheet(MSDS) to Drano's MSDS. I found the product to be identical with the only minor differences being the percentages of the liquid's two main ingredients; Sodium Hypoclorite and Sodium Hydroxide. Mister Plumber contained less than 3% of Hydroxide where Drano had less than 2%. On the other side, Mister Plumber contained between 1 and 5% of Hypoclorite where Drano put less than 10% of the chemical which turns out to be just bleach. I really don't know what any of this shit means but I thought it would look interesting on the blog. Below is the label I found online... just for kicks.

At $1 per 32 oz. bottle compared to the $5 average that a brand name bottle of the same size runs you this is a great find and one that, should the need arise again, I will revisit.

Score:

CREAM CHEESE PEPPER BITES

2009-11-19T13:03:00.002-05:00

I am not very picky about what I put in my mouth… Wait, that came out wrong. I am a rather adventurous eater (yes, that’s better). Aside from beer, gastronomy is one of my biggest passions. With that said, I am also very reluctant ingesting ANYTHING that comes from the Dollar Tree (or any other similar merchant). I am not entirely sure why, since I know that it can’t possibly be any worse than the street vendor tacos and hot-dogs I used to eat in Mexico or, for that matter, any weirder than bear meat chili, deer soup or the variety of bugs I’ve eaten disguised as delicacies.

Going against my common sense, I finally decided it was time to give the Dollar Tree’s frozen food section a try. And what better way than with one of my favorite snack-sized treats: Stuffed Jalapeños. I’ve had several variations of this Mexican/Southern Fried dish, finding, by far, Skyland Restaurant’s to be the best.

Today’s tasty treats come to us from Snapps Snacks and Appetizers in their Cream Cheese and Mild Jalapeno variety. For some odd reason their splash page welcomes the inquiring user with a pretty cool country-meets-Saturday-morning-cartoon (for those of us who remember those days) jingle. All I learned from the page was that SNAPPS is a compound of SNacks and APPetizers. As their page clearly states:

“SNAPPS™ are delicious, restaurant quality SNacks and APPetizers. The best ingredients...perfect flavor combinations, ready to serve hot from the oven.”

And that for some odd reason my box of fried gold came with 4.25 oz. of product when all their products come in 5.5 oz. I don’t know much about calorie intake given that I’m pretty much a lazy fat-ass, but all in all I consumed approximately 400 calories out of my 1866 calorie per day allowance with about 250 coming from fat. I also ingested, per serving (2 pieces) so multiply by 3 and a half servings (plus the blue cheese):

3.5g of Saturated Fat
15mg of Cholesterol
190mg of sodium
3g of Protein

According to Becky, a serving of the Jalapenos have almost as much fat as a whole Snickers bar - and a Snickers bar has more protein, iron, calcium and fiber, and less sodium. So, if you’re looking for nutritious eating, skip this product.

Right out of the box they look like any other battered and fried frozen product I’ve ever tried. They are shaped kinda like frozen mini drumsticks, and left behind the expected frozen fried crumbs on my cookie sheet.

Preparation is also pretty standard; heat oven, insert frozen goodies, turn halfway through cycle, remove, cool-off, enjoy.

After I flipped them in the middle of their cooking cycle, I was not particularly thrilled with the look of things. I noticed a thin crisp mark running down the middle of my otherwise uncooked Jalapenos. For a split second I considered just putting my hunger aside, and opting for a less threatening bowl of Basic 4.

Fortunately, when I removed them from the oven after the full cooking cycle they had cooked to a beautiful golden brown with a split down the top where the cream cheese and Jalapeno stuffing were deliciously oozing out.

With renewed faith I slopped some bottled blue cheese dressing on a plate and anxiously sat down to try my first Dollar Tree meal.

Breaking the first nugget of fried goodness in half the filling smelled incredibly good and was still bubbling, as I’ve found most good stuffed Jalapeno dished to do right before consumption.

Sadly, the first bite I took was extremely bland; I was only able to taste the blue cheese dressing I’d dipped the critter in. The texture was as expected, crunchy immediately followed by the melted smoothness of the cream cheese, but without any real taste. The heat of the Jalapeno was definitely present and I was pleasantly surprised that it packed enough of a punch to make me notice.

I tried the second bite without any blue cheese and there was absolutely no flavor to them. At this point, since my taste buds were still a little tingly from the first bite, the heat from the Jalapeno was barely traceable.

In the 4.25 oz. box you get 7 pieces for a buck, which is ultimately not bad when you’re just trying to get a quick snack (and don’t give a rat’s ass about nutrition) while watching a game or your favorite CSI soap opera. On the flip side, the product is too bland to consume alone, so make sure you get a lot of your favorite dipping sauce as well.

Score:

SCRUB IT QUICK ERASER

2009-10-23T14:43:00.006-04:00

Well, hello there. It's been a while so let's get right down to it.

Even though I live in a relatively small apartment (roughly 1,200 sq. ft.) with only my two daughters (who are 6 and 5) half of the week, it is nearly impossible for me to keep it clean when they are around. Thankfully, both are past the age of writing on the wall, which has helped me keep my standard issue off-white paint relatively clean. That was until recently, when I had the bright idea of putting two barstools in front of the bar facing the kitchen where the girls could eat breakfast.

I've found that for the most part cleaning products from the dollar store perform fine. A while back you were able to buy Mr. Clean name brand magic erasers at the Dollar Store. So when I ended up with the wonderful Pollock-inspired stains below on the bar's white wall, I rushed to my local Dollar Store to pick some up.

The first stain was definitely a "N00BIE" stain when Larissa dropped a couple of blueberries and then smeared them with her feet on the wall. The second was a true challenge; red spray primer caked on the wall when Fabianna swung on the swivel chair and scraped the side against the wall.

It seems that the Dollar Store either ran out, or has decided to stop selling, name brand Magic Erasers and instead I found the only available product; Greenbrier's own Scrub it Quick Erasers.

The box comes with two 5x3x1" pads for, obviously, a buck - compared to the name brand stuff which usually runs for a little over $5 for a 4-pack. I snipped about a third off one of the pads as I felt the stains were not big enough to waste the entire pad (and honestly, the whole single dad with two little girls thing makes you cut corners everywhere) and gave it to Larissa because she wanted to help.

culprit #2

Unfortunately, even for the blueberry stain, Larissa did not have the "oomph" to get the stain out so I took over.

And as expected, the blueberry stain came off without any problems whatsoever.

(that's just a wet spot above, when it dried it was as good as new)
The other stain I knew as going to be a challenge, and a challenge it proved to be. The first time around I didn't even tickle the freakin' stain.

I really wasn't expecting it to work on the primer but something told me to try it again and, as I've heard many folk here in the South say, "give it hell". I applied extra pressure (I guess I really applied a helluva lotta pressure) and eventually i was able to "erase" it off!

Above is Larissa's triumphant smile as she realized she would not have to go in the corner for 5 minutes since the stains came off.

After both stains were successfully removed all that was left was the bi-colored, used up carcass of the Quick Eraser which to my surprise performed above all expectations. This is definitely something every household should have, and for a buck it beats the hell outta Mr. Clean.

Score:

BASIC INTRUCTIONS

2009-05-21T09:09:00.003-04:00

Sorry, no updates. I have found no inspiration lately.

Great mention of the "Everything's a Dollar Store" in one of my favorite strips, Basic Instructions.

THE GREAT STARS OF VAUDEVILLE

2009-04-06T14:29:00.004-04:00

Most of the Dollar Tree stores have a mine of audio, video and multimedia jewels waiting for the consumer-miner to exploit. These pieces are sometimes obscure or ancient releases that bring back childhood memories or memories of discussions with my parents about shows/songs they used to enjoy. Sometimes the concepts alone make you laugh at the thought that someone actually believed that releasing some of this shit was a profitable idea!!!!

Throughout the years I've purchased many of these marvels for myself and my kids. My little girls are fascinated by the many DVDs we've bought featuring Little Lulu (their favorite so far), Popeye, Casper, Woody Woodpecker and countless others I wasn't even aware they existed like Wacky and Packy, the Josh Kirby series which included a hot raggedy-ann type doll spewing sexual innuendos every other sentence and Happo Hippo (i think that was its name) about a Hippo who was petrified of immunization shots.

I on the other hand have purchased many a classic horror flicks such as King of the Zombies, The Undertaker and His Pals/Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things double feature and others. On the audio side I've obtained such marvels (I'm serious there, no sarcasm, some of these CDs are awesome!!!) such as Oh Mickey Where Art Thou?, Killer Queen, A Tribute to Queen and Sweet Emotions: Songs of Aerosmith an eargasmic compilation of Aerosmith's songs by blues artists complete with Otis Clay's sublime rendition of Cryin'.

And it is with audio that I want to stick as this is where the product we're looking into resides. I am unsure what possessed me to purchase The Great Stars of Vaudeville since I don't know crap bout Vaudeville. The only thing I know about it is that it's part of the name of the local burlesque show troupe's name. Regardless, I purchased and actually enjoyed it very much but I would not be able to justly review a CD in a genre of which I am unfamiliar.

So with that said I am asking if anyone out there knows about this type of music and is willing to review it. I will either FTP or find a way to send you my copy so you can hear it. Below you will find a list of songs.

1. Linger a Little Longer in the Twilight by Rudy Vallee & His Connecticut Yankees. Recorded on 1/1/1933.

2. Little Curly Hair in a High Chair by Eddie Cantor with Jerry Joyce & His Orchestra. Recorded on 2/29/1940.

3. Can Broadway Do Without Me? by Clayton, Jackson & Durante. Recorded on 5/9/1929

4. Comedy Skit by George Burns & Gracie Allen; Rube Bloom at the Piano. Recorded on 6/9/1933

5. Rock-a-Bye Your Baby With a Dixie Melody by Al Jolson with Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians. Recorded on 12/20/1932

6. The Temperance Lecture by W.C. Fields. Recorded date unknown.

7. The Rose of Tralee by Morton Downey; Orchestra under the direction of Nat Brandywynne. Recorded on 4/10/1940

8. Come Out-Come Out-Wherever You Are by Baby Rose Marie. Recorded on 4/22/1933

9. Home on the Range by Arthur Tracy (The Street Singer). Recorded on 2/7/1934

10. Phonetic PUnctuation by Victor Borge. Recorded on 7/20/45

The CD was put out by Sony Special Products which is a special marketing division of Sony/BMG Music Entertainment that specializes in customizing CD compilations using their catalog to target specific demographics. I have seen similar CDs in the Dollar Tree but this is the first time I've picked one up by this divsion of Sony/BMG.

Again, if anyone is into Vaudeville and would like to review this for us we send a dollar for your efforts!!!

SUNGLASSES CLIP HOLDER

2009-04-03T16:27:00.006-04:00

There isn't really much to say about this nifty little gadget but that it works like a charm. We've all seen them in stores or in some one's car. Hells, you might even have one in yours. I know I have two in mine, one from the Dollar Tree which is being reviewed now and another from a regular store which I stole from Becky.

My assumption is that "SunTropez" is a variation of Saint Tropez in an evil marketing ploy to evoke the sunny and expensive French Riviera. Thus giving the bargain hunter the false sense of gaudy American riches parading expensive possessions, such as this clip, whilst rubbing elbows with the crème de la crème in France. Or maybe it just sounded cool...

Although at first glance the clip seems like any ordinary clip I noticed that when snapped shut the latch didn't fully... umm.... latch.

I had to push the clip shut with some strenght so it would remain closed. Once closed though it performed it's job flawlessly.

It also felt a little on the cheap side with shoddy production quality obviously made somewhere in the bowels of China.

Those are my nifty sunglasses which are NOT from Dollar Tree. Well, this is a plain and simple yet highly efficient little tool worth every penny. I was unable to find anything online about SunTropez or the product but some Yahoo selling an identical clip in blue for a dollar.

See ya'll in Saint Tropez!

Score:

BACON WRAPPED BEEF STEAK (I hope!)

2009-04-03T13:51:00.010-04:00

Well, one of the Dollar Trees near my house has a frozen food section. A couple of months ago Becky and I actually made an entire spaghetti dinner using only Dollar Tree products. Albeit, all the kids and Becky liked it, I couldn't bring myself to even try it. I recall that the noodles turned out rubbery and stuck together giving it an eerie resemblance to a pale-yellow brain.

As if that wasn't enough to churn your stomach, we took it a few steps further and actually purchased a meat-based product (or at least that's what the label said) to review. Unfortunately, we bought and fixed this sometime in Mid February 2009, I just hadn't gotten around to actually review it. The details may be a little hazy by now.

For some reason I still find purchasing edibles from any "Value" store a bold and brave move left to those who've no other option. I have a hard time even bringing myself to put some of these products in my mouth even though I am not an excessively picky eater. When I first saw the product below I knew it would be a great item to review. I also knew that, just like any other edible product, I would not try it myself. Fortunately Becky was around and immediately agreed to try it despite its dubious appearance.

From what little I can remember and matching the logo and barely legible name on the pic I took with my phone this culinary delight was concocted by the masters at Chef's Requested Foods who boast of taking "the best raw materials, process them with skill and precision to the highest standards, and are committed to uncompromising customer service..." in addition to being "the cook's best friend." I wonder if they fetch sticks....

At first glance, looking at it through the back of the packaging, the product itself looked very appealing. Unlike many other similar products my bacon wrapped beef steak had no discernable properties that made it a pefect candidate for the Mecklenburg County Jail (trust me, I know, I've been there!).

The meat itself looked like any other regular pre-packaged ground beef and had a nice dark reddish color which I commonly see in ground meats. The bacon also looked like any run of the mill candidate from any of prepackaged name brand types. At the time I thought that as long as my filet mignon wannabe disc looked as decent when cooked as it did now I would even be willing to try it.

Then the problems started...

The second I freed my processed-carcass-and-swine meal the whole thing practically became a failed science experiment. Obviously, coming right out of the freezer my meat-disc was frozen solid but as you can see above from the picture above, the ripples created by the plastic wrapping adhering to the meat during the freezing process gave the meat a fake gelatinous look. The once reddish meat now had a nauseating browinsh color while the bacon turned a toxic yellow.

At this point I actually wondered if what I was about to pan-fry in my kitchen was once a living, breathing organism or a scientific monstrosity created in a lab. As I turned my disc around I made a startling discovery embedded dead in the center of my "meat"-disc which sent shivers down my spine...

The sign of the Beast itself!!!! the dreaded "Dubya" was staring at me with the same hell stare I catch from Barbara Streisand every time I watch Yentl! I immediately threw on my oven mitts and the standard issued Hazmat suit that came when I bought the meat and threw into the fiery pits of Hades (aka, my hot iron skillet).

Notice, the sign of the Morning Star himself is facing downwards? Coincidence you say? I think not!

After a few minutes of frying I flipped the disc over and everything seemed to be going according to plan. Except for the faint smell of sulfur and nalpm in the air. The meat and bacon were browning nicely.

After a few more minutes my once-beautiful disc-o-meat looked more like a lump of charcoal. The bacon was nearly burnt and the meat just didn't seem to cook. I sliced it open while still in the skillet only to witness the spewing of melted fat from the center of the disc.

The sight made me jump back and shriek like a little girl with a skinned knee. I retreated to a dark corner of my kitchen and curled up in a fetal position sobbing uncontrollably... then Becky came in and made fun of me. I mustered the strenght to get back up and plate the disemboweled piece of "meat" on a place for Becky to examine. The entrails of the now-pac-man-looking disc still oozing onto my plate and all!

Upon further inspeaction Becky, ever so matter-of-factly said, "just cook it longer, it still looks raw". Voila!!! And with that revelation I threw the butchered bovine back into my iron skillet.

Finally, after another 10 minutes the disc was ready for consumption... granted, not by me, but thank God Becky was there.

Now, I am a God-a'dreadin', non-practicing Catholic but fortunately I am dating the Winged Spawn of Satan herself who was more than willing to sample the charred remains of what was once, not one, but two of God's beautiful creatures.

Becky claims the "meat" wasn't all that bad; it simply tasted like un-condimented ground beef and cheap bacon. Despite several efforts she was unable to make me join her unholy allience with Chef's Request Food and Lucifer himself by trying the forsaken cow and pig remains. I guess I just have to take her word for it.

Becky rated this product 2 out of 5.

Score:

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

2009-02-16T09:45:00.002-05:00

Well, Friday afternoon was the last time I saw "greenie". He was last seen in a corporate office break room wearing a blue flowerpot with a smiley face. "Greenie" was approximately 1 and a half months old at the time of his disappearance. "Greenie" was survived by pointless blog entries.

GROW YOUR OWN PLANT

2009-02-13T10:26:00.005-05:00

The department I work for in my organization is rather small. There is a total of six of us including our manager. One of our co-workers is very into celebrating anything and everything so she made a huge deal out of decorating our 4'x6' cells for the company-wide decorating contest.

I am into crap like that, otherwise my cube wouldn't look like a 15 year old teenager's room, so I agreed to buy all the stuffings for our coworkers. Cheap-ass that I am I bought most of them at the dollar store (with a little mix from Target's dollar spot area). If I can remember correctly I bought a toy lump of coal, a xmas tree candy ornament and a grow your own plant pot at the Dollar Tree.

Regardless, we all ended up with a nifty little flower pot with different plants. I am unsure what the rest of the ungreatful bastards in my department did with their plants but the guy who sits next to me and I busted out our green thumbs... and for the first time in my life I was growing something legal.

I watered and whispered sweet nothings to my little plant for nearly two months. I grew fond of my little green friend but like with everything else I do, including my children, I grew tired of being responsible. So, instead of doing the mature thing and suck it up I abandoned the poor little plant to its luck by releasing it into the ruthless land of a corporate america breakroom.

DAY 1
On February 12, 2009, armed "greenie" (I can't come up with anything else) with a smiley face and a message that read "Orphan Plant. Please take care of me." and set it in the breakroom.

I thought I'd take a pic each day to see how long it lasts before someone takes it, kills it or something far worse.

DAY 2
I checked the plant this morning and someone had moved it to the top of one of the microwaves... not the safest place for a living organism but oh well. I also noticed that someone had actually watered little "greenie". Yay!!!

Tune in tomorrow, same plant time, same plant channel for another update.

Sometime this week I will review not one but TWO food items we got from the Dollar Tree... trust me... it ain't gun be prutty!

GENERIC PIRATE PLAYSET

2009-01-07T09:51:00.014-05:00

Hello Kiddies! Today we’re going to check out a Pirate play set. Albeit, I’ve never really been a fan of anything pirate but some of the detail this toy had amused me enough to buy it.

The first thing I noticed is that I am unable to determine the company that actually made this toy. There is no company name or logo anywhere on the packaging. The only information I was able to find was that, as most of Dollar Tree’s products, it was distributed by Greenbrier International, Inc. The fabled Greenbrier International, Inc organization seems to be one of those Where's-Waldo-type organizations that deal only with Chinese or other foreign merchants and nearly impossible to find any information on. I did a few searches online but came up short.

I was able to find a thread about the company and a poster said:

“If anyone has luck finding out the contact info for "Distributed by Greenbrier International, Inc. Chesapeake, VA 23320. Please let me know. I do not think this company is accessible. Products are made in China. Somewhere there is several layers involved, which means no one may know anything and everyone will know nothing. Good Luck”

Well, as I read the entry above the realization hit me that by reviewing this I am placing my life in peril for you; my only friends and loyal reads… yes, I realize there are no readers… shut up… Anyway, given all the lead poisonings that have originated in China recently I was a little apprehensive to open the package. But screw it! I let my children play with similar toys all the time and aside from a couple extra limbs and the absence of pigment they’re all right.

Ahoy matey… or ARGH! Whichever; but there you have it. The ruthless captain in all his glory and ready to set sail in his plastic/wooden pirate raft in search for buried treasures and larger than life adventures. Oddly, our fearless captain has a freakish resemble to the beloved Sloth from The Goonies.

Unfortunately, Captain Sloth’s weapons of choice are cartoonishly disproportionate to his size. That freakin’ hand cannon alone would be enough to take over most of Libya with a single shot. That and the fact that Captain Sloth has what appears to be a sock puppet for a left hand explains the reason he sails around in a raft rather than a bonafide pirate ship!

The raft, which for a Dollar Tree toy is rather detailed and well put together, does have a rather cool pirate design on its sail. This is the type of pirate skull that strikes fear in the heart of the wicked!

Additionally the raft comes with enough detail which not only includes the two paddles but actual paddle “holes” (or whatever they’re called). Unfortunately the paddles do not fit through the holes or if they do I was unable to figure out how. Not that it matters since Captain Sloth’s raft is not buoyant and sank faster than the New Kids on the Block comeback.

Lastly we have the palm tree…. It’s a palm tree. Enough said.

Since Captain Sloth’s limbs cannot be moved at all, the weapons are ridiculously big, the raft does not float and he has a sock puppet instead of a parrot (or left hand) I’d say the chances of any kid having fun with this toy are as much as playing with a stick of incense. When I purchased this I noticed there were no additional Pirate sets which means Captain Sloth, Socko and any unfortuate kid who happens to get this will never find other pirates to play with.

Score:

MARTIN DESIGNS STICKY NOTES

2009-01-06T13:31:00.010-05:00

DISCLAIMER: I want to resume this blog (I even added my girlfriend as an author so we can post frequently) and I am sitting in my office with nothing brand new to review; so I'm gonna review something I bought years ago at the dollar store. Trust me, it'll be a crappy review.

Working in a monument to corporate America it is usually unnecessary for me to buy any office products. Everything office-related you can possibly imagine is as readily available in my office as a wheelchair-bound prostitute in Tijuana.

But every now and then something so office-y unique and amazing beckons me. Must be the Aztec blood in me trading in gold for pieces of mirror; but despite the unlimited supply of multi-colored post it notes in my office I had to purchase Martin Designs' sticky notes the second I laid eyes upon them.

I've seen my share of "fancy" sticky notes in the past; everything from puppy dogs in pastel motifs to over-elaborate art nouveau which simply seem to be trying excessively hard (and failing miserably) at being unique.

The creative geniuses at Martin Designs followed more of a Ludwig Mies van der Rohe approach to their stationary masterpieces. The elegant simplicity of the design alone can definitely fool anyone into thinking these came from Sharon Luggage than my beloved Dollar Tree.

Enough of the aesthetics though. Performance, which I understand is more relevant than size, is up next. Well, it's a sticky note... and you write on it... And as far as that goes it serves it's purpose as well as any of it's over-priced counterparts. So, we're good when it comes to writing on it... I mean, just look at how perfect a job it does to remind me that should I ever be dumb enough to wipe out my printer from my laptop again "\\print01" is where I should look to reinstall it!

Or, for my conference call/web meeting log in info for when those pesky clients actually demand true customer service!

Unfortunately the problems begin when trying to actually post them somwhere. The bottom portion fell out over a year ago when I first tried to use the thing. Furthermore, trying to keep one of my fancy sticky notes stuck to anything for more than 30 seconds is an exercise in futility short of using clear tape... (note the pin in the picture above) which would defeat the purpose of a self-adhesive note.

I am unsure why these sticky notes have outlasted most of all the pets I've ever own. I bought them sometime in 2006 and I still have over 50 of each of the two designs.

OH! I visited the site printed on the back of the backboard only to find out that Martin Designs "It is the real estate mortgage loan vendor of the Japanese nationwide corresponding possibility" (I love Engrish) and not a stationary company as I originally thought. Go figure.

I think that it.... told you this one would suck...

Score:

NEGLECT

2008-02-24T09:45:00.003-05:00

I know I've been neglecting this blog but I will pick it back up in the next day or so.

thanks,

MAKE YOUR OWN GUMMY ICE CREAM

2007-09-30T13:18:00.000-04:00

Well, it's 1:34 PM the day after Charlotte's Oktoberfest and my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode at any second so I figured I'd review the first product.

The Dollar Tree we frequent most boasts of two entire aisles with almost an endless variety of candies and snacks. And it was while marvelling through one of these corridors of tooth decay that I found what promised to be an entry-worthy confection.

I've seen all types of weird gummy things. Everything from pizza to human anatomies; but for some reason this product caught my eye. I think the main reason was that with most others everything you get is made of gummy. But Frankford Candy & Chocolate Co. took it a few steps further. If you look closely you can see the variety of candies within.

The first two compartments are filled with six, multicolored, gummy ice cream "scoops". The "scoops" are actually the only portion made of gummy and have the consistency of chewed Bubblicious gum. The first thing you notice when you open one of the individually wrapped puffs is the poignant scent of refined sugar. Out of curiosity I opened one of each color puff hoping for different smells but this was not the case.

Then you have your "waffle" cones made from what appears to be styrofoam! Now, I know I've eaten this stuff before; being raised Catholic we had to simulate cannibalism (or something like that) by eating a disk made from this stuff. I really don't know what it's called but it's pretty bland. Not much more to say about the cones.

Next in line are most kids' favorite cupcake topping, the candy sprinkles. I think one of the things that appealed my inner child the most when I set eyes upon this dentist's nightmare was the sheer amount of "toppings" you had for your pseudo ice cream cone. Everyone in the entire planet has at some point had some sort of candy or desert with the fabled sprinkles. On top of that my DIY ice cream package not only came with sprinkles but with candy bits as well! Those folk over at Frankford sure do know how to please the crowd!

Unfortunately, there was something horribly wrong with my candy bits. Unlike the sprinkles that were free to roam their plastic home as they pleased, the bits felt melted and failed to move when I shook my bag. Not to mention the bits looked of the lowest possible quality. In Mexico, we have these cookies that are used as goodie bag fillers at kids' birthday parties called Grageas. They are my first and more fond memory of candy bits. Now, the bits used in those cookies that are produced in a third world country were of better quality than their Dollar Tree counterparts. Sadly, the realization suddenly hit me that I would be unable to truly use my bits as one of my toppings.

And as usual, the best is saved or last. Do you see the bag of sludge below?

Well this is the alleged chocolate sauce. Just looking at this phlegmatic monstrosity makes my veins feel even more clogged than they are! But alas, it does resemble translucent chocolate syrup. Oddly, it had the faint smell of Formula 44... go figure.

So, now I'm ready to make my very own, custom-made, one-of-a-king Ice Cream Gummy candy. The possibilities looked endless; check out my concoctions...

The Toxic Waste -------- The Cherry Popper

The Marshall Thurston the III -------- And, when all else fails, the Sundae Bloody Sunday

Anyway, the whole thing was insanely messy and sticky. Certainly not worth the effort unless you wanna spend your afternoon with your kids playing ice cream parlor instead of tea party. Unfortunately neither of my kids were around to serve as guinea pigs so I've no idea what any of this shit tastes like. Regardless, it all ended up in the trash.

Score:

INTRO

2007-09-30T13:07:00.001-04:00

Well, this blog is pretty simple and straight to the point. I love the Dollar Tree stores. We didn't have these growing up in Brownsville, TX. The closest you can get to $1 items or toys was at Walgreen's stores when they used to be embedded in malls. Well, that and the crappy, unsanitary local supermarket chain, Lopez. Even then, the type of items you were able to get for $1 were limited and for the most part crappy. I remember mostly being able to get those tubes of latex-type material with a straw to blow colored bubbles and parachute army men. Which, by all means, at the time was just as CRAPPY AS THEY ARE NOW!

But now, with two kids of my own, and in Charlotte, NC the Dollar Tree stores are humanity's highest achievement since the first batch of catfish hushpuppies. I first heard, and walked into a DT store when my wife told me about them. I'd been to Everything for a Dollar (or more commonly in the 90's for $0.99) and the experience can only be compared to walking into a retail war zone. Merchandise so old you would not wish it upon your worst enemy. Isles of scattered garbage, opened or broken items littered most of these hell holes. The items look and were cheap and mostly Chinese rip offs of popular items. I do not know if DT stores started this way but the four stores within my area are better kept and stocked than most big box stores. Isle after Isle of identically priced treasures just ripe for the pickin'!

Recently, we've even seen a huge increase in name brand items for one loveable dollar! One of the stores in our area even has a frozen food area (Aside from candy, I've never actually bought anything edible form DT but that may change soon for this blog experiment of mine). Overall, I go to one of the four DT stores in my area 2-3 times a week without a shopping agenda. I go just to see what they have and buy the most useless, insignificant trinket I can find for the sole purpose of saying I bought it for $1! Sad, perhaps, but I love it!!!!

So, this is my blog about my fascination with this monument of consumerism. I hope you enjoy it.